lately my self esteem has taken quite a nose-dive. i am trying to figure out how to manage it before i'll be able to see my counsellor again when school starts. icalled her and asked for her to contact me a bout the self-esteem workshops she said they have there. i'd really like to attend them. i'm having a harder time being around people lately. it's mostly when i'm in a large group and i feel like i odn't know what to say sometimes, if it's people i don't know. i used to think that iw as good in those situations. the problem is, it's so much easier if i'm drinking. otheriwse i just stare off into space with a fake smile on, so it looks like i'm having a good time. i can now feel it in my face when this happens, because it feels strained after a few minutes. half the time when i'm with my girlfriends i feel sort of in the background, if we are with their boyfriends or other friends. this is what is hard and annoying about being single.
does the fact that i am scared at the idea of getting into a relationship mean that i do not want one at the moment? or am i scarred from my last one and the one that i almost had? all i know is that if i do come across my next boyfriend, he will ahve to be able to show that he cares for me and be a mature person who can also be silly. i don't want the bullshit that the last potential guy was pulling. i'm kinda dumb cause i was drunk both days this weekend, which made me feel lonely, so i ended up talking to or trying to talk to people i maybe shouldn't. also, i've been thinking about jon much more than usual lately and it's been a pinch painful. but i can say this: "As you drift further into the past, my memory of you fractures and splinters until all I can clearly remember is not a picture but a feeling." i do not still have feelings for jon. he brought alot of stress and trouble into my life. i do not put blame on him now, because i could have ended it any time, but i kept him in for my own sake. i do remember the good and the bad times, but mostly i remember a feeling, and how he made me feel. he made me feel so good about myself, and i want to help myself feel that way. being with him was such a special time in my life, but i see now that it was not right. i suppose i am happy to have realized that.
i am not my sisters, i am not my friends. i am not my parents or my family. i am not the boys that i have dated, or liked, or kissed, or looked at. i am not these people, but they are parts of me. and although these pieces are in me, they do not make me. i am my own person. i do not have to be ashamed of myself or hold myself back. i do not have to hide my abilities or lack thereof. there will be a person who embraces my differences, and i will as well. i will not be good at everything, or most things, maybe not even at alot of things. i will do stupid things and say stupid things, but i am not stupid. i will make mistakes and mistakes and mistakes but i will learn from them. i will make them again and be like, shit, get it together then i will try better next time. i will embrace my mistakes. i will ttry to remember peoples names better. i will try to learn faster, or learn in general. i will read alot of things. i will be a caring friend and daughter and sister. i will have faith in myself that i will do my best. i know that i am a creative person. i make people laugh. i want people to KNOW me. i make myself an open book so people can read. i want them to read me till the end. i am going to take my time, because once something is finished, a chapter will be done. i will embrace the day more often, so that i will not wake up one day and wonder where the years have gone. i will appreciate my beauty and try not to compare myself to others...the whole world is full of people who are obsessed with what people think of them. it is full of people who are so terrible to eachother and make a career out of tearing people's lives to shreds. it's become sickening.
i don't like how much i've been drinking. i keep saying that i'm going to make sure i keep it in check, but i haven't really done that. it's on the weekends, and lately it's been every weekend. i'm getting more and more bruises on my legs. my foot is still fucked up, so i should probably get it xx-rayed. i just don't want to take any time off work, sincei 'm only a summer student. i will admit that i do drink to loosen up, especially if i'm at the bar. i will dance completely sober, but i like the decreased inhibitions that come with alcohol. i like the feeling. i don't know what is too much to admit anymore. there is much more fake smiling when there is no alcohol in me. i tend to feel awkward around other girls, because i constantly feel like they are judging me. i have always had a problem with that. i don't know what to do with this.
i am without a camera and i feel like if i don't get it back soon i'm going to miss documenting the summer. i am thinking of buying a 35mm off kijiji because my other ones are no longer working. $150 or something probably. i'm also thinking of upgrading my ipod to a 30ish gb so that i can fit more of my music that i have had to leave off, and movies as well. ive been watching quite a few movies lately. fuck, i can't stop thinking about rachel getting married. i am wiki-ing the oncei 've watched. i'm interested.
i've been thinking about marriage lately, having children, and what kind of house i'll want to live in when or after i do these things.i want a 1 or preferably 2 story with an open porch in front. i've been thinking about what kind of guy i want to end up with and what i'd name my kids. i like lee and camille. i think about what kinds of activities i'd put them in and what i'd do with them. i think if my parents had put me in activiites i would feel like i belonged, so maybe it will help them in that way. and nuture their self-esteem.
i'm 20.
i went for my drivers on the 8th but i failed right at the end so i'm going again in a week. i am excited for it because i think i'll get it this time. i want to be able to drive myself to the cabin when no one else is going, and meet my auntie and uncle out there. spend time alone, gather my thoughts. iw ent for a bideride today but there are too many ppl around and i'm afraid of cars hitting me.
i have alot of things to do that i can't think of..maybe i didn't even know what they were to begin with.
my mind is confused and anxious. a bunch of stuff wants to come out, but none are getting thru.
one thing at a time.
i kinda miss when my hair was like this..off my neck. |
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airwaveshello's journal
