| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|11:22 pm] |
honestly, i'm fine. i'm pretty sure being in a serious relationship at this point would give me hives.
edit: it's kind of lonely, here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | im not the sun | ] |
i can use a song to make me want a boyfriend. i wish my life would do this, already. but i don't, really. wouldn't that be a bad life? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|09:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | land of talk | ] |
what the fuck are you waiting for? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|08:57 pm] |
i don't know what my dad does all night. he goes to work, drives me to the corner of kimberly, comes home from work, eats the meal that my mom always prepares, and sits in his office in front of his laptop all night. i'm sure that there isn't actually much work for him to do, and once i think i might have been aware that he might have been exploring the universe of music, finding titles and songs. he'll drink beers and sometimes go downstairs to join my mom in front of the t.v. i hate that he expects to be fed when he wants to be fed, and i hate that my mom complains to us about it. i hate that our family dynamic is so prototypical. but i should shut up, because i expect my mom to know what we're having for dinner, too. i hate that she wastes her nights in front of the t.v., sleeping off and on. i know she wakes up during the night alot, though, so i can't complain or criticize properly. lately my dad has been irritable, maybe because of changes that may be happening regarding a new job. he takes it out on my mom. he doesn't talk to us about shit.
i used to always ask my friends if i could get rides from them to school things, birthdays, etc. my mom always told me that my dad was too busy or he wouldn't be able to take us. i was the girl whose parents weren't there. i wished so badly that my mom would be there in the front row, there at all. my dad would have driven me, which i found out when i began asking my dad for rides myself. i didn't allow my mom to be the middle man anymore, and my dad obliged immediately. he'll honestly help out where he can, and that's awesome. i wish my parents could have been there. i wish they would have cared to be there, see their youngest do her thing. |
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| freaky |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|08:42 pm] |
i remember in the eighth grade, this guy would always make fun of me, and i later found out this was in a flirty sort of way that he had not yet mastered. before then, there was one day that he called me a freak. i took offense to this. for some reason, i got a white t-shirt and black fabric paint and wrote freak about 5 times in different fonts down the front. i wore that shirt for a while, until it got ragged. the guy was so surprised that i had taken his insult..i don't really know what he thought of me then. i felt empowered for a while, until the rest of my pre-teen insecurities reared their ugly heads as well. i think he probably liked me more after that. this was my first real act of defiance against society. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2009|12:04 pm] |
it was snowing lightly and really quiet. i met him at his school and we walked and got vietnamese food. i asked him about his family and i told him about mexico. he paid the bill and we walked to his car. we went to the art gallery and made me laugh cursing the fire hydrants. we walked for hours around the giant museum of art and giggled and made faces behind the backs of people who pretended to know what they were talking about. he drove me home through the christmas lights and walked me to my door. we hugged and he started on the way home, to the sticks.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|06:58 pm] |
i wonder sometime whether i tell people too much. tell too many people too much. i'm not mysterious. i used to be, but then i wanted to be relatable to other people..be a round, dynamic character. and i am. but i wanted other people to know. i wanted them to know me.
i'm afraid if i keep things inside, they may fester and make me sick. and i worry about things. i want opinions. i want people to give me advice. maybe i should do what i want, though. make my own decisions and do what i think is best.
i never gave MGMT a chance after Kids, and i should have. really good. what great hippie music.
this would be cool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|10:49 am] |
i dont like nice boys who like me.
it's getting to be a problem...
i was just thinking "how do i get rid of him - i already did once" and "i'm a supa jerk"
and figuring out ways to stop what's happening and i realized...what if i let things progress?
what if i actually grow to like this person? would that be so terrible?
and then i thought. "no." |
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| quitter mentality |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|10:03 pm] |
at the moment i'm not grappled with feeling lonely and lameass..my friends are calling and i'm excited about socializing in the next two weeks.school on the other hand is giving me heck. i have only done one thing of merit so far and the rest has been shit. I'm handing in an outline that looks like I did half-assed, but really it took me forever and it still isn't complete. I've lost motivation to do well. I freak out off and on, but in the end I end up not caring about the outcome. I hold on to the idea that I'll end up doing alright. I wonder if the day will come when I don't do well, and I'll have to redo a class or something. i don't feel very smart, and i feel unable to make myself not lazy, and i feel like i get confused easily. i feel like i shouldn't be an english major, because i'm not amazing at essays, i just do them and get them done. but i'm not great at math or sciences either. i wonder what i'm really good at. it's doesn't feel like it's school. i got on the dean's honour list for last year, which surprises me and doesn't. i'm in english which is thought to be easier than math and sciences, and it was pretty easy, but my romantics class isn't. at all. i have a feeling this 12 page paper is going to be the death of me. i feel like quitting this course like i quit geology. i wish i was more precise with things. i wish i had picked the correct geology course, if there even was one without a lab. i wish i had picked a different english course had i known this one would be so frustrating for me. i banged my hands on my desk today in frustration, like ive been doing alot of lately. i have a quitter mentality, and i always have. i am not competitive and i give up pretty easily. i wish i had more drive. i feel a little lost.
on a lighter note, i have someone else to talk to in romantics. i thought she was cute from afar, and she's doing the same things as me: english major and education. we fretted together.
i just want to go out all night and hang out with friends--get lost in the dark--have laughs and get dirty--go to shows and do things on a whim--write what i want with no structure or set topic--make music and sing really loud--drive and drive--be in control--be happy.
quinzy is really hitting the spot right now.
listening to or reading about things about or by people from winnipeg makes me feel connected to them and connected to my city.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|08:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | land of talk | ] |
i'm frustrated! i just want to know who i'm supposed to be with already. i have no idea what kind of person it will be, and this should be an exciting time, but i'm just frustrated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|04:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | t swizzle | ] |
i don't even like asking my baba questions anymore (like if my mom went to work) because she rarely can answer with anything but "i think so, i don't know". |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|01:38 pm] |
i've only been in school for 2 1/2 years, and i have a year and half left for my degree. that means that it till take me 4 years to finish a three year degree, and i'm okay with that! i'm excited to get this accomplished, but i still should try to pass this geology lab test.
bye! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|08:29 pm] |
trip to minneapolis was loads of fun. it was also fun to drive really 125 there and back. i'm a master driver now.
i'm trying to make some changes. along with the new sheets in my bed, i want to paint my room. the bright green isn't working for me anymore.. I want something more neutral so i can switch it up and play with accents. it's too busy and kitchy for my tastes now. i'll miss it, but it's time for a change. heather said she'd help me paint. she has mucho experience.
changes..i'm trying not to watch so much tv. i didn't watch very much at all last year.. i rarely found myself sitting in front of the tv but i've been slipping lately and i've watched tonnes on the internet this summer. boo. i can always watch it online on my breaks and i'm using it as a reward for studying.
i hung out with z the other night, after 4 months of him ditching me. i don't know why... neither did my friends. he is laughable, but it's more of sad laughter. i don't know why i might have dated him. it doesn't seem like there's alot going on with him and nothing that i want to be a part of now or ever. funny that tim wanted to see if i wanted to hang out sometime. he only broke my heart in grade 11, no big d. FAWNNNN
i don't want to say i'm stopping completely or that it's never going to happen, but i'm going to control my drinking. i've found at this point that it doesn't make me that happy and it doesn't help with talking to boys. well, it does, but that's the problem. i can't talk to them when i'm sober. i don't know what to say. when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter cause you can trip on the sidewalk and make a conversation about it. i'm going to try something different. i'm going to be outgoing without excess. i'm going to think good thoughts about myself. i'm going to get a tattoo :)
and fuck it when people tell me i think too much. these are awesome. i need lists. i am who i am!
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Bold
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser
http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself
http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Self-Esteem
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|08:27 pm] |
you are laughable, sir.
i should not even be wasting time with an entry. please do not text me (forever texting) with hows it going, what's new and make plans and then text me (forever texting) saying we have to reschedule because "something came up" when we are supposed to be hanging out. it's a waste of my time. you're all talk (text). i don't think i ever seriously thought that i would see him today, because this is all he does. this is why i haven't seen him since the middle of may.
laughable. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|03:11 pm] |
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i haven't been outside yet today and i feel bad for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|02:11 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | leona naess | ] |
friends:
i don't have to be "even" with my friends. i don't have to ever feel like i am burdening them with my problems. i shouldn't feel like i have to "beat" them. i don't have to feel left out if i can't hang out with them. i don't have to do what they do. i can't take everything they say super seriously.
money:
i realized today i put to much importance on it. i should not care if i have more or less than others. i should not care a tremendous amount about the amount i have. i should save but not feel really guilty about spending. i should not feel poor when i have money saved. it shouldn't make me feel better than other people who do not have as much as me.
looks:
i realized i put way too much importance on it and i judge people on them. attractive good ugly bad. it's a cultural thing. i want to look deeper into people, but i still want to date a person i find physically attractive. i'm just spouting the truth! i don't want other peoples looks to make me feel badly about myself. |
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| 500 days of summer |
[Aug. 1st, 2009|01:11 am] |
so i just saw the movie. and all i can say is WOW--on so many levels. it made me laugh and it made my chest hurt. from what i can tell, jon was my tom, and i haven't yet met my guy in the deli. there are choices we make in how we do relationships, trying not to get in too deep if we're not sure,,.pulling away..summer's moves were mine at one time. you really want them to be together because they seem so cute, just two little people in a big world, in love, silly, clicking, so simply. this could be true, but if you don't have the gut feeling, none of that matters. and it can happen so easily--meeting someone and knowing. this hasn't happened to me yet, and i'm looking forward to the day, so desperately, that i will just be captivated and know for sure it's the man i want to marry and spent the rest of my life with. i'm looking forward to that knowing feeling, no doubt. i'm looking forward to knowing what true love feels like. it made me feel alone, this movie. i have not had a boyfriend for almost one year, which for me is a feat. i have not despised it. i feel myself growing up, still dealing with battles of low self-esteem and body image issues, and i go about my day by myself. i've felt like nothing special lately. not interesting. it comes and goes from day to day. driving home from erins today, i felt like a single woman, emptying the dishwasher, checking my websites, laying me down to sleep. i feel like that stereotypical lonely single woman living alone. except i live with my parents. i fear to feel like this woman, tagging along with her girlfriends and their boyfriends..being seen as this woman, seeking out anyone who will give me love. trust me, i am not this person. i am so picky now and careful that i don't let it get too far if i'm not into it. but yes, i'm lonely. i wish that i didn't want to have a shoulder to put my face on while lying on my bed, or have someone who would always call me. i want to find that right person, so that when i'm with them, i will have no need to keep looking..i will not have any interest in anyone else. it's scary. to be so young, i shouldn't care so much--but it's hard in a world where people around you have found the people they want to marry already. i hope that i get out of this funk soon. eventually.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|08:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | forest city lovers | ] |
things that make things seem a little less sucky:
-telling my mom that things are sucky
-going to see my auntie and uncle john
-getting rid of shit i don't need anymore
-finding new bands on myspace
-drinking tea
-having hope that things shouldn't have to be figured out all at once
-having hope that i will keep picking up my sketchbook
-the smell of my t-shirts
-the smell of pastels
-not holding myself back from things that i think will make me seem creepy, and just doing it (cause people don't think i'm creepy)
-believing that just because my friends aren't calling, they love me just the same.
-fully realizing that some people are definitely not worth my time.
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